Friday, January 11, 2013

How To...

Tuesday graced Sydney with some glorious weather.


Having just spent two weeks in Vietnam, one would assume that I have grown accustom to the warm climate. In this case, I shall dispute this claim. Oh my lord, it was a bloody scorcher. The suffocating, 'I need to constantly complain about how hot it is' kind of weather. And with a broken A.C, not only in the office, but in my apartment - I spent the evening wrapped in wet towels, falling asleep to the soft humming and gushes of warm air that my pathetic little fan produced. Blimey.

The next day I was graced with the presence of a human-sized Huntsman spider in my bed. After it ran away from me, I spent the next 48-hours living in fear knowing that death was around the corner. But it's alright, we got the little bugger. After jumping into bed on Thursday evening, I found my eight-legged friend making camp within the sheets.

Now, for those of you who have not caught a spider before, I have found that this is the best plan of attack:


Step One: Call for assistance.
In this case, yell EMERGENCY so your best friend hops out of the shower and rushes to your side.

Step Two: Stand there debating on who has to be the one to catch it.
In this time, you might contemplate knocking on a neighbors door for assistance - despite being ridiculously late in the evening and your current attire consists of sleeping apparel.

Step Three: Keep debating who has to catch it.
Although this is a lengthy step, it is a necessary one. In this time you will come to understand not only your own phobias, but your companions. *Although minutes have ticked on, make sure you keep an eye on the spider. They are speedy little creatures and when it comes to insects the 'Should have, Could have, Would have' mind-set will only leave you with endless sleepless nights.

Step Four: Pick your weapon. 
My first suggestion would be a glass cup but I understand that despite the glass forcefield between you and your spider, the possibility of a kiss of death is still very high on the cards. Your other option is to take to the vacuum cleaner - a common choice of weapon.

Step Five: Approaching the kill.
If you choose to use a vacuum cleaner - make sure you check the suction 10 - 20 times before going in for the kill. Choose a prime angle of approach, keep in mind that spiders don't like shadows so make sure you are stealth. Want a page out of my book? Position yourself in your closet, hunched on the floor. Spot your target, line your weapon and shoot (or suck).
*A vacuum does not actually kill the spider - it will either a) climb out or b) hatch millions of baby spiders.

If, after 30 minutes of aligning the vacuum and repeating the phrase 'Okay now..NO WAIT!' and you come to the conclusion that this was not going to work - locate the biggest glass possible.

Remember: Slow and Steady Wins the Race. Even if it takes you an hour to build up the courage - just pretend that that you are ripping off a band-aid. A stealth approach from a prime angle is key...BANG spider trapped.

Step Six: The Disposal.
Possibly the most important of all steps. What to do now? Stare at it intently to show that your fear is no longer theirs. Yeah thats right, it will all make sense in the moment. Grab a magazine/cardboard and slide the glass onto the base. Take your spider where you wish to dispose it and do what we did - put it on the ground, glass intact and walk away. Yes, you might be a glass short for a while but the peace of mind if most definitely worth it.

- C.

No comments:

Post a Comment